I am so incredibly thankful for all the outpour of love and support I have gotten from everyone. Seriously, if you’ve reached out or commented on one of my posts or anything, thank you! It has meant so much to me and is so encouraging!
One of my biggest fears about sharing my story was that people wouldn’t understand, or that friends and family would start treating me differently, or not want me around as much. And while there are some who I haven’t heard from since, so many have reached out and shown an incredible amount of love and support. I will forever be grateful for you all.
I am learning that I have to take this journey slow. One step at a time. One day at a time. It’s not just a simple choice that allows me to switch it off and move on. It is a hard, every day battle against my mind, against my anxiety, that’s telling me the exact opposite of what I’m telling myself.
Recovery is not a destination where one day I will wake up and feel fixed but rather it’s a slow mending process that follows an imperfect path where progress is made over time.
To be completely honest, it seems scary. Recovery seems scary. Gaining weight seems scary. Increasing my foods seems scary. Resisting the urge to purge (haha that rhymed) seems scary. BUT.. it’s SO much scarier to think that I could spend my whole life trapped like this.
I WANT to enjoy my foods without thinking about the consequences or feeling guilty. I WANT to love my body without looking at the number on the scale. I WANT to be able to go out to eat without looking at calorie counts or thinking about how quickly I can get home to purge. I want all these things.
So even though it may feel like I’m getting worse before I get better, and even though every inch of me will scream at me to stop, to go back, to stop fighting, I won’t stop trying and I won’t give up. Because I know there is a better life waiting for me – outside my comfort zone. And it will get better. It will get easier. I won’t always have to worry about what happens next time, next week, next month. It will get easier.
There are 24 hours in a day. No more. No less. That’s all I have to work with. To do my best to keep my thinking in check. To pray often. To trust that God cares about me and wants me to succeed. To hold on and not give up. To do for others what I can. To give God my weaknesses and triggers. To grow humility and a deeper gratitude. To give God all the credit. To have peace at the end of every day.