Change can be so scary.
It can be risky.
It can be difficult.
I have such a “type A” personality. I like to be organized, I like to have everything planned out, I like having a sense of control over my life. I am very ambitious and goal-oriented. I absolutely hate not knowing what comes next (probably why I am not a fan of scary movies).
Recently, my plans have been changed. Decisions that I had previously made were suddenly back to being undecided. Plans have fallen apart. I have felt lost. I have felt alone. I have felt terrified. But most of all I have felt angry. Angry at myself for not being “enough” or “capable” to finish what I had started or following through with what I thought I had perfectly planned out. And angry at God. Angry that He has put me through trial after trial after trial and has left me grasping and reaching for any type of answer I can find.
Now it seems I am back to square one, wondering and wishing I had all the answers and a road map to guide me through this season of the unknown.
I am terrified. Terrified of where I will end up in life. Terrified that I am incapable of reaching my goals. Terrified that I won’t ever be enough for myself or for others. Terrified that each time I take a step forward I’ll be pushed two steps back.
What I do know is that there IS a reason for all of this. There is a reason for each of my struggles. There is a reason why I suffer from anxiety. There is a reason why I’m facing an eating disorder. There is a reason why my career goals and plans have been altered.
Each of my struggles serve a purpose. I may not know what those are yet, but I know who does. And I know that His plans and purpose for my life are much greater than I can ever imagine.
I know that I may not end up where I thought I was going, but I know I will end up where I am meant to be. And I may have lost something good, but I may gain something even better.
So, Ms. Type A Personality over here is now having to learn to be okay with not knowing. I am learning to be patient. With myself. With God. With all of the unknowns. I am learning that life can still be beautiful, meaningful, fun, and fulfilling even if things don’t turn out the way I planned.
Shoot, if Noah waited 120 years before the rains began, and Abraham waited 25 years for a promised son.. I think I can learn to wait as well.
There is purpose in my season of waiting.
I came across a quote the other day that I found some comfort (and laughter) in:
“God prepares leaders in a slow-cooker, not in a microwave oven. More important than the awaited goal is the work God does in us while we wait. Waiting deepens and matures us, levels our perspective, and broadens our understanding. Tests of time determine whether we can endure seasons of seemingly unfruitful preparations, and indicate whether we can recognize and seize the opportunities that come our way.” -John C. Maxwell
So basically, God is turning me into a gourmet meal instead of one of those cheap frozen meals you cook in the microwave for 2 minutes LOL!
But really, waiting SUCKS. Not knowing what the heck I am supposed to be doing SUCKS. It’s disappointing and disheartening. BUT GOD is using this time to work in me and through me. He is molding me and maturing me. To me, waiting is wasting. To God, waiting is WORKING.
One day though, I will wake up and every single minute of my waiting will make sense. I will realize that all of my prayers that are tangled in anxiety and worry are actually wrapped tightly in God’s perfect grace. I will realize that even though right now it feels as if it is over, everything that is happening, was supposed to happen. I will begin to see that after all this time, because of His love for me, I have always been right where I needed to be.