Here recently, I have heard the words “you are so strong” more times than I can count. And while it is so encouraging to hear, I still find myself questioning my strength, because if I’m being honest… I don’t feel strong. I feel weak, extremely weak.
I feel weak for allowing my thoughts to control me. To control my emotions, my actions, my vision. I have tried keeping it all together and I’ve tried hiding my brokeness and weaknesses.
But, I realize I AM weak. I am weak because, if I am completely honest, I’ve been relying on my own strength instead of calling on God’s strength and seeking comfort through Him.
I can try all I want to fight this battle against my eating disorder on my own, with no help. I can try and repair myself by myself and try to stay strong all on my own..
I’ve come to the realization that I will never ever beat this with my own strength. It’s going to take time. Time spent in the presence of Jesus. Stopping the busyness, closing the door, and intentionally seeking His heart to find my real identity, soaking in His Truth until I am changed.
I believe with my whole heart, that Jesus WILL meet you where you are. He will meet you IN your illness, IN your anxiety and brokenness. He is the most loving father who wants nothing more than to replace all this pain with peace. All I have to do is ask Him.
The saying “let go and let God” could not be more true. Learning to “let go and let God” is all about complete and total trust. As I learn to trust God with my WHOLE life and let go of things, relationships, careers, or whatever else, I know that God will be healing me, carrying me, and strengthening me the entire time.
It’s not about being strong despite weaknesses. And it isn’t about being strong AFTER weaknesses are gone. It is about being strong IN and THROUGH and BECAUSE of weaknesses.
I have allowed my weaknesses to hold me back and make me feel inadaquate. They’ve caused me to doubt myself, my abilities, and my potential. But what I’m learning, and what I hope you all will learn and realize as well, is that our weaknesses don’t disqualify us. Nope! They actually qualify us even more! Because they are portals through which God’s power fills our life.
This doesn’t mean we never need to change, of course. We never stop changing. But it means that the current version of you is the right version of you for this moment. The real you, in all your weaknesses and brokenness, is perfect and priceless. It’s not only what God has to work with, but it’s what God wants to work with. And from that starting place, progress is possible.
For years I hid my problems, covering up my pain with smiles and the lie that I was “just fine, thanks.” But this only lead me to further pain, deeper despair. I locked my problems away, which made it impossible to make room for truth, hope, and life-giving relationships — the very things that I needed. I knew that only when I was truly open and honest, with myself and others, is when I would find healing and strength.
And y’all, it’s okay to not be okay. God doesn’t expect us to have it all together all the time. God isn’t surprised by my brokeness, your brokeness, anyone’s brokeness. I mean, look around, we are living in a broken world. His plans aren’t ruined when we mess up or when tragedy strikes. No matter what happened or what we’ve done, we are never too far gone for God to redeem our story. Every time we fall, fumble to stand, fall again — Jesus is right with us, helping and guiding. This one beautiful, gift of a life is worth fighting for. Christ thought we are worth dying for.
We don’t have to clean up our lives before going to God. God doesn’t look for perfection in us, He sees that in Christ. All God looks for is the willingness to take His outstretched hand and try again.
So, if you find yourself struggling with your weaknesses, just as I have, go to God. Let us go to God in the midst of our pain and brokeness. Let us seek His presence and, when we do, I truly believe He will replace all this pain with healing and peace.