Well y’all, I did it!
And by “it” I mean I officially completed my undergraduate degree. I’M A COLLEGE GRADUATE Y’ALL!
Wow. It seems so unreal. The past four years have really flown by.
They have been some of the hardest years of my life. But I have also made some of the best memories of my life within these four years and I will forever cherish them.
But I’m not done yet!
I will be returning back to school in the fall to pursue a graduate degree!! But for now it is so nice to just take a breath and find rest in the fact that I have a whole summer’s break to really focus on myself instead of my studies.
This summer is going to be HUGE for me.
Not in the sense of major plans or fancy expensive vacations (I wish!), but rather it will be a very challenging and revealing few months full of therapy and (hopefully) some big steps forward in my recovery process.
I have been in therapy for about a month and a half now. I really do like my therapist and I truly think she is the real deal. But in all honesty, I haven’t been putting forth the effort. I’ll have a few good days, a couple small victories, but then I go right back to the same ‘ol stuff all over again. So, unfortunately, there hasn’t been much progress thus far. No big steps have really been made. And for that, I am 100% to blame.
This past semester was absolutely hell for me. Most difficult and stressful five months of my life. Between losing my grandpa right before the new semester, changing my grad school plans right before the application deadlines, plus taking four of the toughest and most demanding classes at the same time…. it was hell.
More weight was lost and I found myself in the lowest of lows. I became so depressed. I was constantly anxious and on edge. There were multiple times where I KNEW I wasn’t going to graduate on time. I considered dropping classes, I considered graduating late, and I even considered dropping out of college completely and never going back.
Sadly, the one thing that I found actual comfort in was the only thing that I felt I could actually control. My eating disorder.
This disorder has become my comfort zone, my coping mechanism. And honestly, I didn’t even really realize it until my best friend (very lovingly) called me out and brought it to my attention. At first I was confused. I wanted to get mad and tell her she was wrong.
But the more I sat there thinking about it, the more I realized… she was right. It IS my comfort zone, my safety spot, my safe haven.
How had I not seen it?
Here’s what I know as of right now: I know that ED has taken over my life. I know I want something different from a life dictated and cut short by ED.
But at the same time… I am absolutely terrified of change. I am scared to step out of my “norm”…. but I know I have to.
I have to step out and say “good-bye” to this comfort zone of mine that I’ve known for so long. Whether I think I am ready or not or believe in myself or not, I have to be willing to try. I have to be willing to fail a few times. I have to be willing to make progress.
“Comfort is the enemy of progress.”
No amount of security is worth the suffering of this disorder, chained to a routine that has the ability to kill my hopes and dreams.
So as I say “good-bye” to the safe haven I have resided in for too long, I am saying “hello” to the challenges of this new season, in which I am hopeful will bring with it progress and newfound strength.
As I step-out and challenge myself this season, I challenge you, whoever is reading this, to step-out of your comfort zone as well, and go after that personal-growth you’ve been desiring.
Whether it’s improving your physical health, your mental health, mending a relationship, or simply practicing better self-care. Whatever it may be, it can’t be done unless you step out of your box and challenge yourself to create who you want to become.
Let’s do this!!